Your Fly's Undone

My Entire Sex Education-I was given a book on banana flies; I was 16 years old.

My parents were invited up to my school for a pre tell- your -offspring -sex education briefing. As soon as they arrived home, dad,sweating and evasive, ran for the garage, leaving mum holding the banana... fly..... book. He was embarrassed, even by insect sex. It was left to mum to lead me though the minefield of erogenous zones, bizarre fetishes and multiple orgasms. She poked her head round the door, said 'here, I have to give you this, your father won't,' and disappeared, (possibly to help dad change his oil).

The pamphlet- along the lines of 'when a mummy banana fly and a daddy banana fly really love each other....'-wasn't really the erotic extravaganza I'd hoped for...

There WAS a small section at the back which attempted to link banana fly and human behaviour and I can still remember the description word for word:- "the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina."
Puts? PUTS? Was 'thrust' not available? What a brilliant evocation of sweaty passion. 'puts'.


Most of the pamphlet was devoted to flies.

"Bactrocera Musae Coitus- A Banana Fly sex book. "

***Banana fly foreplay***
Buzz meaninglessly around the object of your desires.This was a girlfriend getting technique I instantly adopted -with predictable resuts. But hey, who needs a girlfriend when you have an ILLUSTRATED Banana Fly Sex Book.

***The Centrefold Fly***
She lies seductively on hers back, her legs invitingly akimbo. It's either an invitation to rampant sex or she's been sprayed with Deet. She's been sprayed with Deet.
I know how she felt.

***Sex the Banana Fly way***
He comes* out of the sun at three million miles an hour (*premature ejaculation? )and crash lands on her back,impaling her on his enormous one- hundredth- of- a- centimetre- long tumescent dong.Two seconds later it's all over,shes laying three million eggs and he's knee deep in a cow pat having his how -was -it -for- you- post coital breakfast.